Husbands And Wives Used To Settle Disputes Via Armed Combat
Listen, this article isn't going to be for everyone. It's about how spouses used to settle their differences with armed combat.
Picture this: A waist-high hole is dug in the ground, and the man has to stand in it, armed with a club. The woman stands outside of the hole with higher-ground advantage, and she gets to wield a five pound stone wrapped in cloth. If that sounds bonkers-level of ridiculous to you, just wait until you see the outfits they were supposed to wear while beating the hell out of each other.
To be clear, this wasn't exactly a common way for marriage problems to be resolved. To be more clear, trial by combat was an actual thing, especially in Germany, but typically women weren't required to fight. If a woman was accused of something that couldn't be sorted out in court, she was allowed to appoint a fighter on her behalf; usually her husband. But if the guy accusing her was her husband, well, that was a bit problematic. At least, according to a manuscript found by University of Oklahoma professor Kenneth Hodges.
In this hilariously illustrated document, various techniques are suggested by its author for both the man and the woman, including glorious captions like: “Here she has grabbed [him] by the neck and by his member and wishes to drag him out of the hole.”
And of course: “Here she has laid him on his back and wishes to strangle him and drag him out of the hole.”
Oh, and let's not forget: “Here he has pulled her to him and thrown her in the hole.”
There doesn't appear to be any specific notes on why those weird, hooded unitards were a requirement for battle, so I can only assume the answer is that since this entire premise is wacky, the people who thought it up simply decided to lean all the way into the craziness. Like, “Yes, you can beat your spouse to death, but if that's the route you want to go you're going to have to wear this thing.”
Again, Hodges acknowledges that these weren't common occurrences after 1200 CE, but the fact that there are multiple references to this practice throughout medieval times is absolutely insane. Also, was he implying with this comment that these fights were more common pre-1200? Were there other setups and weapons involved in earlier spousal disputes? Could a quarreling husband and wife joust each other? And wait, did I just come up with an idea for a new reality show?
Hell yes: Jousting Spouses. Man, I'm a genius, and someone from Hollywood needs to pay me for this idea right goddamn now.
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