REMINDER: The #1 thing you can do to support the site is share the articles!
by Pauli Poisuo
Animals are awesome. So is crime-fighting. And when you combine the two, an entirely new level of badassery emerges.
But this isn’t the usual “dog bites burglar” stuff. We’re talking about true stories of crime-battling creatures that would make even the most grizzled detective-zoologist do a double take and ask, “Wait, the hamster caught Machete Teeth Henry how?”
Georges The Dolphin Stops Three Robbery Suspects From Escaping
In 2002, three men raided a jewelry store in Swanage, a town on the small Isle of Purbeck, UK. They managed to escape by car and head straight for a ferry to the mainland. This was problematic for the police, since they were so far behind the criminals that they wouldn’t have time to catch the ferry before it left. And because the getaway boat ride would only take but 10 minutes, law enforcement on the other side would probably miss the thieves as well. The situation seemed kind of hopeless.
But that’s when something emerged from the waters in front of the ferry. Poseidon!
Actually, no. It was Georges the dolphin, a 10-year-old bottlenose that was something of a local celebrity. He had been playing with boats and swimmers for some time and even liked to visit harbors. Sure, Georges was known for being a bit mischievous, but this time, he seemed to know exactly what he was doing, circling and zig-zagging determinedly in front of the ferry as it was about to leave. The boat’s crew was worried that they’d hit the animal, so they decided to wait until Georges was done being Georges.
“I’m never done being Georges.”
This gave the cops just enough time to make it to the ferry where they found the three robbers standing on the top deck, staring in what we assume to be disbelief at the dolphin that had just foiled their otherwise air-tight plan. No word as to whether they shook their fists while yelling, “Damn you, Georges!” from the dock as they were hauled away, but if TV has taught us anything, they absolutely did.
As for Georges himself, no one really knows what prompted him to intercept the ferry that day. Maybe it was just a happy coincidence and he just wanted to play. What we do know is that the thieves were lucky they didn’t try to improvise and leap into the water in an attempt to swim to freedom, given that the dolphin is kind of notorious for tail-slapping the occasional swimmer, among other things.
Bees Help Uncover A Massive Pot Farm
In 2010, the bees belonging to urban growers in the Red Hook area of Brooklyn, NYC abruptly stopped producing honey. They still produced something, though: a strange, bright red goop that made the bees themselves glow red, as they carried the strangely colored gunk in their translucent honey stomachs. The area’s apiary owners eventually discovered that their winged little friends were sneaking into the nearby Dell’s Maraschino Cherries factory and pilfering their high fructose corn syrup and the occasional dose of red dye.
The factory’s owner, Arthur Mondella, was less than amused by the incessant buzzing around the premises, so he contacted the New York Beekeeper’s Association to deal with the situation and find out how the bees kept sneaking in. It was initially suspected that the bees feasted on runoff that trickled from the factory, but they eventually found that they were just exploiting a short window of time when the cherries were moved within the factory and the vats weren’t properly sealed. The procedure was changed, and the problem was solved.
However, the bees had also managed to open an even bigger window ... and the next pests that came to annoy Dell’s were of the Brooklyn District Attorney variety.
Different problem, but with a similar level of pain involved.
The detective investigators at the DA’s office had long suspected that the maraschino cherry factory was a front for a gigantic pot-growing operation, but acquiring anything but circumstantial evidence had proved difficult. Whatever water consumption or heat signatures that a giant pot farm reliably emits could be chalked up to the cherry-making process, and the floor plans of the building indicated no basements that could hide the plants. They needed a way in, and the “runoff sludge trickling from the factory” theory of the bee incident gave them the perfect opportunity. They set up a joint operation (heh) with the Department of Environmental Conservation, and a few stings later (HEH!), the investigators uncovered a secret entrance to a 1,200-plant marijuana farm in a hidden basement behind a shelf in a garage that housed the factory owner’s luxury cars.
OK, we know that the results here were successful, but we still refuse to accept that keeping freaking bees in a city environment is a good idea, despite what your hipster friends may say.
A Dog Is A Star Witness In A Murder Case
In 2008, a 59-year-old Parisian woman was found hanging from the ceiling of her home. The police were prepared to rule it a suicide, but the family figured something was up and demanded a murder investigation. Eventually, suspects did, in fact, emerge -- but there wasn’t enough hard evidence to bring charges against anyone. Fortunately, the prosecution had a star witness: The victim’s dog.
When the preliminary hearing took place, a veterinarian led the dalmatian to the witness booth where, according to the judge, it behaved in an exemplary manner and offered invaluable assistance. This wasn’t just random obfuscation, either. It was believed that the dog had been present during the woman’s death, and the court wanted to see how it reacted when it saw the suspect.
Spoiler: Furiously. It reacted furiously. When the suspected killer walked into the room, the dog erupted in frantic barking despite otherwise behaving extremely well.
Because under normal, non-murderous circumstances, good boys are the goodest.
No, of course this didn’t immediately result in a guilty verdict. It was just a hearing to see if there was enough evidence to bring the case to court, and although the dog did help, the people involved were quick to note that this was a highly unusual scenario: Definitely a first in the country, and probably the entire world. These people were not cartoon characters, after all.
Though, the mystery-solving star witness dog was known as “Scooby,” so there is that.
Bird the Cockatoo Fights Its Owner’s Murderers, Gets Them Caught
Picture the most harmless animal ever. Not like a hamster or a guinea pig or a ferret -- those little critters can be vicious, especially when they decide your face needs a good mauling.
No, we’re thinking more along the lines of a cockatoo. You know, one of those unassuming house pet birds that are like 18 inches tall. Maybe it has a really goofy name to boot, like “Bird,” and it mostly just sits in its cage or poops on your shoulder. It’s not exactly a prey-killing hawk, is what we’re saying.
Unless, however, you’re actively murdering its owner. Because apparently, that sort of thing can trigger a savage flurry of revenge that could be Kill Bill: Volume 3.
Albeit with far less swords, but still.
In 2001, Kevin Butler was chillin’ at home, when suddenly, two men broke in and started stabbing him. Unfortunately, Butler was killed, but the assailants were absolutely unprepared for the repercussions of their actions. As it turns out, cockatoos bond with their owners much like they do with their mates, so after having witnessed Butler’s death, Bird decided, “Hell, no.”
The two knifemen found themselves on the receiving end of a flying tornado of screams and sharp implements that the pecking, clawing, screeching Bird unexpectedly turned into. The feathery vengeance spirit immediately bloodied one of the men, Daniel Torres.
Bird probably knew when it attacked that the outcome would most likely be of the kamikaze variety, which it unfortunately was: The police found the poor cockatoo dead. Still, the blood it had drawn from Torres ended up on a light switch, which left enough DNA evidence for the police to identify and arrest the suspect and, eventually, his partner. We can’t help but feel that Bird was proudly observing the proceedings from whatever heroic afterlife they reserve for berserker avians. Perched on Kevin Butler’s shoulder, of course.
The prosecutor even said, “That bird was more courageous than many a wife would have been.” We’re not sure if he was being sexist or clumsily comparing Bird’s actions to that of any angry spouse. But nevertheless, the attempt at tipping his hat to the wrath-ifrit the tiny animal had become was certainly there.
Like this article? Check out “5 ‘Harmless’ Animals That Can Straight-Up Kill You” and “4 Animals Who Are Objectively More Successful Than Most People”.
Want to write for The Modern Rogue? You can! Just sign up for our writers’ workshop.