From flying cars to bleeding vegetables, it seems like new, world-altering tech is invented every other day. In fact, technology improves so quickly, we don’t even have to apply it to anything useful anymore. If there’s a problem -- no matter how small -- you can bet there’s a brilliant scientist out there willing to chuck a high-tech solution at it. And like using a fully fuctional battle mech solely to pass the butter, the results are often hilarious.
5. Iran Uses A Ton of CGI to Keep Western Films Clean
Iran has had something of a complicated history with film. Their film industry is pretty robust, but the country’s leaders don’t want their people watching a bunch of needlessly offensive foreign movies. They tried banning foreign films for a little while, but the government quickly realized that the Ballad of Ricky Bobby always finds a way. So they turned to a different solution. They’d allow foreign films into the country, but Will Ferrell’s man bulge would have to be completely covered. Which, honestly, should be a worldwide law.
This should win a Nobel Peace Prize.
In 2010, Iran got its hands on some slick CGI technology, but instead of immediately inserting dinosaur robots into every Nicholas Sparks movie like we would, they subtly alter films to make them more appropriate. Well, sometimes the changes are subtle, like transforming beer into orange juice or dialogue from a sexual proposal into a marriage proposal ... but oftentimes they’re laughably over the top.
For example, how would you go about making this image more appropriate?
Disgusting. This might as well be categorized as hardcore pornography.
Whether her shirt is too lowcut (it isn’t) is up for debate (it’s not), but it wouldn’t take much alteration to cover her neckline, right? Just add a little white to bring up her undershirt and voila, nobody’s aroused by the evils of chest skin. You could do that ... or you could just randomly shove a bigass vase in front of her.
Irony: That pitcher is filled with the essence of porn.
Good work! Now the scene is both appropriate and a low-fidelity advertisement for Iranian Crate & Barrel. Everybody wins!
That’s what really makes Iran’s approach to CGI censorship so hilarious. Sometimes their modifications are so understated, audiences might not even realize anything has changed:
It’s basically a whole new movie, now.
But other times, entire (female) characters are just completely expunged from a scene like they never existed in the first place:
This movie is now about a killer, interdimensional vortex that stalks restaurants.
4. They Made A Drug To Help Your Dog Deal With Fireworks
Dogs are great. They cheer you up when you’re sad, teach you how to take care of a living thing and give you an excuse to exercise when you’ve eaten Taco Bell for the last six consecutive meals. But every benefit a dog provides immediately goes out the window during a thunderstorm or a fireworks display. They become pure, uncut evil, ravaging your upholsteries and soiling your linens.
Okay, sometimes they just get scared and crawl under the bed or whatever, but the fact remains that most dogs hate loud noises. Unless they live next to a fireworks testing facility, most owners rarely have to deal with the problem. Maybe once or twice a year for holidays that require explosions.
Like July 4th, or Brian Brushwood’s birthday, or random Tuesdays ...
Well not anymore!
Scientists in New York took a break from curing cancer and discovering aliens to invent a new drug designed exclusively to make your dog chill out during thunderstorms. The drug, Sileo, is FDA approved and is definitely not a sedative. They mention this so many times during their advertisements, we now wonder if giving your dog Ambien on July 4th is a common thing. Unlike tranquilizers, Sileo merely calms your canine friend and helps them stay happy during auditory onslaughts of all varieties.
It’s not that the drug isn’t useful -- we just hate to think of how much effort was the result of one scientist showing up sleepy and frustrated to his job on July 5th and being like, “God, you guys. You would not believe my stupid dog.” Then pulling out a beaker and angrily flinging chemicals into it.
3. Underwear To Protect Your Crotch From Radiation
We’re about to get intimate for a second. How many of you right now are reading this article on a piece of technology that is currently on (or was recently near) your junk? No, we’re not looking through your window, Dave; we’re just making an assumption based on how we tend to use laptops and cellphones: Crotch-first.
Here’s the thing about using laptops and cellphones: they could very well be radiating you right in the baby-makers. Some studies suggest that WiFi may be nuking your sperm to death. And while the legitimacy of your sperm is still being studied, a clearly-British company called Wireless Armour is here to help your crotch survive the nuclear assault.
So wait, do you stuff it with a football, or ...
This product -- basically “underwear for superheroes” according to Sir Richard Branson -- actively defends your groin from radiation. Think of it as the refrigerator from Indiana Jones, but instead of protecting a globe-trotting archaeologist from certain death, you wear it like a diaper.
The secret to the underwear’s Johnson-securing technology is a new material called RadiaTex. Wireless Armour “features a mesh of pure silver woven into the fabric which creates an unbroken shield against electromagnetic radiation.” Since silver is a conductor of electricity, the underwear apparently diffuses the electric tingles all across your nether regions before they can shock you into early impotence.
We haven’t tested these, so we can only assume two things: Either the company’s claims that it’s 99.9% effective are true, or it’s just a tin foil hat that you wear on your privates.
2. A Special Fork Lets You Know When You’re Eating Too Fast
Have you ever been chowing down on your food so quickly that you accidentally bite off a finger? Or your friend’s finger? No? Well, then this isn’t the product for you. For the rest of us, a Hong Kong-based company called Hapilabs has finally introduced a smarter way to eat: the aforementioned Hapifork (pronounced: “Waste of money”). The Hapifork measures how quickly you’re eating your food. Not so you can time yourself and clamber higher up the Eat-Hole leaderboards, but so you’ll actually slow the hell down for once. Just breathe, Dave.
There’s actually a great deal of evidence to suggest that eating too quickly can cause you to gain weight, have digestive problems, and generally fart more. When you eat so quickly that you’re swallowing whole pizza slices without chewing, your brain doesn’t have time to say, “Hey, buddy. We’re all full up here, and please, God, no more Hawaiian.” Most experts agree it takes something like 20 minutes to register that you’re full. So if you slow down a bit, you’ll probably also eat less and be healthier overall.
Hapilabs: modern solutions for mindless gluttons.
Hapilabs, under the assumption that we’d want to feel better and fart less, designed the Hapifork with all sorts of sensors to monitor the eye-watering speed with which you consume mac n’ cheese. It measures how long the total meal takes, how many times food goes in your gaping maw every minute and how long it takes between bites. Presumably, it’ll also know if you pass out from lack of oxygen.
Screw up shoveling too quickly for the Hapifork’s tastes, and indicator lights will start going off all along the fork, letting everybody in the food court know that you’re little more than a ravenous beast. But at least it’ll look like you’re a glutton from the future.
1. Jeans That Moisturize Your Legs While You Wear Them
Nothing is more important than well-hydrated legs. We’re pretty sure there’s an entire chapter of the Bible dedicated to that wisdom. But just like in the story of Jesus vs. Legdehydrator The Demon, there is an enemy lurking in your dresser, waiting for the perfect moment to strike and suck out your leg water. We’re talking about your JEANS!
According to Wrangler, the denim in your jeans has been dehydrating your legs ever since your mom started forcing you to wear pants out of the house. You may not have known, noticed, or cared about that, but Wrangler is dedicated to protecting your thirsty limbs whether you like it or not. That’s why they invented the “Denim Spa” which, as you may have guessed, is the world’s only pair of moisturizing jeans.
“We also sell cardigans, soaked in baby oil.”
Of course, none of this matters if you don’t also look hella good in your new dungarees, and Wrangler is giving you options. There are three different styles including Aloe Vera, Olive Extract and Smooth Legs. Seriously.
The way these jeans “moisturize” you is by using the breakthrough technology of “rubbing fatty substances into the fabric.” Stuff like apricot kernel oil, passion fruit oil, rosehip oil, shea butter and moon de Tahiti combine to turn your pants (and your legs) into almost literal butter. If that doesn’t sound appealing ... well, honestly, we agree.