It was only a few generations ago that a “shopping spree” was little more than picking up various plant seeds from the general store. If you were particularly flush with wheat pennies that month, you could maybe snag a stale licorice stick or a piece of straw to stick between your tooth gap. In general, though, if you wanted something, you either had to build it or pray for God to hurry up and invent the Xbox.
Fast forward a century or so, and you can buy almost freaking anything your twisted little heart can dream up. As long as you have enough wheat pennies, of course.
Hot Japanese Men Will Help You Cry At Work
Fortunately for the staff of The Modern Rogue, it turns out that crying at work can actually help bring people together and further careers. The people of Japan, being the awesome innovators that they are, have been putting that research into practical use.
No, they’re not actively slapping their employees -- they’re soliciting help from ikemeso danshis, which loosely translates to “handsome weeping boys”. And, yes, we should absolutely rename the Oscar for Best Actor the “Handsome Weeping Boy Award.” Leo would have won years ago.
A typical visit from a one such handsome weeping boy involves rounding up all the women in the office and seating them in an empty conference room. The attractive Japanese beefcake then wheels in a TV and plays film clips like a middle school Spanish teacher nursing a hangover. The clips can range from sad to overwhelmingly depressing. Examples include a story about a deaf father who can’t see his terminally ill daughter because the nurse doesn’t understand him. Another is a jaunty little tale about a dog who is also terminally ill. If that doesn’t work, they probably just play the first five minutes of Up on a loop until everybody’s a blubbering mess on the floor.
"You have 4 seconds to cry, or we start chucking onions at you."
The goal of showing this depressing footage is to elicit tears from every single woman in the room. That’s literally it. As women succumb to tears in the face of endless terminally ill children and puppies, the ikemeso danshi walks through the sea of sobbing and wipes away tears. The mutual bawling presumably builds camaraderie amongst the women and helps them grow into a tighter knit team and hopefully reminds them how life is short, and that we’re all terminally ill in our own way. Might as well finish up that project proposal before we and every puppy we’ve ever met capitulate to our various incurable illnesses.
Technically, men are also invited to these events, but for some reason they usually don’t attend. Probably because they don’t think the handsome weeping boy is handsome enough or because they’d rather cry their eyes out watching Gladiator or Braveheart.
You Can Become European Whenever You Want
Although you may feel like a citizen of the world when you order the Mongolian beef at P.F. Chang’s, it’s unlikely you’ll actually be granted any of the rights or protections of a natural Chinese citizen. That’s because, generally speaking, it is extremely difficult to become a citizen of any country you weren’t actually born in, no matter how many crispy honey shrimp you pound. To become an American citizen, you must have had a green card for a minimum of five years, know English at a certain level of competency, and dozens of other steps that can take years to complete. This makes sense -- countries wouldn’t want just anybody becoming a citizen arbitrarily and taking advantage of the host country by eating all their healthcare or opening too many Chipotle competitors. Some things are sacred.
Except there are several countries such as Cyprus, Estonia, the United Arab Emirates that say, “Whatever,” and will let anybody become a citizen as long as they’ve got the cash. And, honestly, it’s not even really as expensive as you’d think.
Hell, some countries will do it for exactly 18 pickles.
Cyprus, for example, will let anybody become a full citizen as long as they purchase 2 million Euros worth of land. That’s all it requires. You don’t even need to live there or have even visited the country. You have to say you’re establishing a business, but even then said business doesn’t even have to actually exist. As long as you’ve got a computer rendering of what your pubic sweater super emporium might look like, citizenship is as good as yours. Cyprus would be thrilled to have such a savvy businessperson as yourself.
Now you may think, “Who the hell cares about Cyprus? Is that even a country or just somebody you have kill in God of War?” But there are actually some pretty massive benefits to becoming a Cypriot. Namely, Cyprus is a part of the European Union.
EU citizens have numerous advantages over outsiders such as the ability to stay in European countries as long as they want, get jobs anywhere without applying as an immigrant, and choose any host country to live in and gain access to all of their particular benefits. Want a free education? Live in Germany for awhile. Want endless, fresh baguettes? Poof! You’re French, baby.
All in all, it’s a pretty sweet deal if you’ve got the money and a desire to feel like you’re better than all of your friends.
Upgrade That Crappy Prison Cell
Have you ever been sitting in a county jail cell following a particularly epic bender and thought, “Man, this place is a dump!”? Well, fret no more serial DUI offenders, California has heard your drunken cries, and they want to help you. No, not help you get better, help you sleep better at night during your imprisonment. Assuming you’ve got the goods (money, not drugs, come on), it is now possible to upgrade your prison cell. It’s a little pricey (around $100 a night) but it’s not like you’ve got a lot else going on.
Top notch services. Would definitely burgle again.
For years, California has been struggling with severe overcrowding in their prisons. It got so bad, that in 2011 the U.S. Supreme Court ordered California to release 30,000 prisoners and just hope they were more Andy Dufresne than Hannibal Lecter. But even after turning California into a real-life game of PUBG -- that admittedly didn’t result in any major repercussions or increases in crime -- overcrowding remained an issue. One way authorities attempted to combat the problem was by allowing some prisoners to buy their way into nicer, less crowded jails.
One might assume that this program would only be afforded to criminals accused of fairly low-level crimes. After all, it’d be crazy to allow someone accused of sexual battery to move themselves into a cell with flat-screen TVs, computer access and plush beds, right? Unfortunately, it turns out that between 2011 and 2015, more than 160 of the program’s participants were convicted of serious crimes such as assault, robbery, domestic violence, battery, sexual assault, sexual abuse of children and possession of child pornography. Jesus.
Send Mail ... Via Potato
So you recently read some article on nifty pool tricks, and you immediately used that knowledge to hustle an undercover billiards cop (that’s a thing, right?), and you’re now languishing in an upgraded jail cell. You need to tell your boss you’re going to miss work for the next couple days, but you don’t want to just blast her an impersonal email from the prison’s public computer or handwrite a letter with your terrible chicken scratch. You want to keep your job after all. You need to explain the situation while still demonstrating your professional responsibility and dedication to your work. So, brilliantly, you decide to mail her a potato.
In 2015, a 24-year-old named Alex Craig came up with a genius business plan. Instead of texting messages via phone like a troglodyte, why not look to the future and carve that mess into a starchy spud? Despite his girlfriend telling him it was the “stupidest idea ever” within two days of Potato Parcel’s launch, Craig had already raked in $2,000 in revenue. Just five months later, Craig sold the entire business for $40,000 like an idiot.
I refuse to caption this image.
Nowadays, the company scribbles messages onto Idaho Russet potatoes and, as of 2016, was making $25000 a month. They’ve even expanded their business into sending potatoes with pictures, holiday themed potatoes -- like a Lump of Coal Potato that’s literally just spray-painted black -- and potatoes with postcards on them. $10 feels a little steep for something that’d take you seven seconds to make, but that’s the price you pay for excellence.
According to the company’s current owner, “There’s just something about receiving a potato when opening a package -- it’s something people don’t forget.” That we can believe.
Chow Down On The Last Meal Of A Former Death Row Inmate
For whatever reason, America has a growing fascination with true crime stories. Shows like Making A Murderer and American Crime Story offer viewers a chance to experience thrilling crimes while wearing nothing but half-empty Fritos bags. But across the border, Canadians can do more than just watch famous criminals, they can become them. Specifically, they can eat the same crap.
Last Meals Delivery Service in Toronto will deliver you a last meal for just $20. It's a randomly chosen final meal that somebody formerly on Death Row once chose before being electrocuted or tickled to death or whatever we do with murderers these days. Not only do you receive this scrumptious food, but it comes paired with a DVD about the criminal in question. Oh and a paper mask of the killer’s face stuck on a popsicle stick with the eyes punched out. Just in case you were worried that there were still people in the world who don't think you're insane.
Well, that doesn't look psychotic at all. Nope. Not one bit.
It’s difficult to tell if this business is still around -- you can only eat Margie Velma Barfield’s Coke and Cheez Doodles final meal so many times, after all -- but thankfully there is a website dedicated to taking photographs of former death row inmates’ final meals in case you want to make them at home. Spoiler: murderous psychopaths don’t tend to have particularly developed culinary sensibilities. Apparently, all killers eat like picky eight-year-olds.
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