5 Moronic Criminals Who Basically Caught Themselves

by Jordan Breeding

In all the years Wile-E Coyote spent attempting to brutally murder the Road Runner and feast upon his corpse (yes, that is the show’s premise), the biggest reason Coyote kept failing was his own stupid self. Sure, the Road Runner was obviously pretty quick, but after the 817th consecutive trap turned Coyote into a pile of cartoon ash, you’ve got to start wondering if there’s some user error involved.

Real life can be the same way. For every next-level, Oceans 13-style heist, there are thousands of morons out there who are lucky if they don’t accidentally drop an anvil on themselves while putting on their robber-pants in the morning. These are their stories. Their incredibly stupid stories.

 
 

Criminals Stole A Bowl Of Macaroni Salad, Ate It On The Way

Macaroni salad is pretty good (Editor's note: It is not). In the right hands, a nice macaroni salad can even be borderline delicious (Editor's note: It cannot ... you disgust me). That said, it doesn’t feel like the world’s most controversial statement to say that even the best macaroni salad of all time probably isn’t worth going to jail for. Reese’s peanut butter cups, sure, but macaroni salad just isn’t exciting enough. Well, at least for most people.

Matthew Sapetko, James Marullo, and Timothy Walker Jr. clearly aren’t “most people.” When this trio of super-thieves robbed a Build-A-Burger & Ice Cream restaurant in upstate New York, they made the most of it. Not only did they bust open the cash register which was overflowing with 29 entire dollars, they also nabbed a bigass, 10-pound bowl of ... wait for it ... macaroni salad. Burglary can be tiring work, and one is bound to get a bit peckish after all that thievery.

"If anybody asks what we were busted for, you tell them 'murder'."

Now, these criminals weren’t entirely stupid, and, along with lunch for the next seven months, they also stole the store’s surveillance equipment. This turned out to be the right move, because police were initially left without any footage or strong leads. Well, other than the Hansel and Gretel style trail of macaroni droppings outside the restaurant. Shockingly, this trail didn’t lead the police to the world’s lamest evil witch who lures children with mediocre pasta -- it led directly to the suspects who were immediately put into custody. The most difficult aspect of the entire ordeal was probably securing the handcuffs over the thieves’ mayonnaise-coated wrists.

What’s even more ridiculous is that the trail wasn’t just made of macaroni. In their haste to consume more macaroni salad than any human ever should, the criminals chucked aside the cash register, rubber gloves, loose change, and even a bunch of parts from the surveillance system they had so cleverly stolen moments before. At this point, it’s a wonder they even made it home without leaving behind their soiled underwear and a crudely drawn map to their secret hideout.

Getting Trapped In An Unlocked Closet

Florida ranks 29th amongst US states in degree attainment, with about 40% of adults acquiring some kind of college degree. But that means for a lot of other Floridians, the only way they’ll set foot on a college campus is if they’re lost or lured there by an enticing trail of macaroni salad. Getting a degree just isn’t a high priority for everybody. For example, when Florida residents John Arwood and Amber Campbell finally made the choice to check out Daytona State College, they were less interested in the Nursing program and more excited about smoking crack in a janitor’s closet.

As everybody knows, success in college is largely linked to perseverance, and so those two love-birds lived in that damn closet for two straight days. This wasn’t just because all they needed to survive was love ... and crack. See, the closet door had locked behind them, and they had no way to escape their love nest/crack den. They could have called the police right away, but they were afraid of being arrested for trespassing and, you know, the crack.

Dollar sign neck tattoos are the true sign of wealth.

Two days later, they got desperate (and apparently ran out of crack) and decided to go ahead and call the police to come help them out. The police tracked the phone and finally freed the two from their makeshift prison. Technically, they didn’t find any crack (though there were several copper scouring pads that are often used for crack smoking), but the police did find quite a bit of human poop stacked around the little closet.

That all sounds pretty stupid, but to be fair, the two crackheads claim they were chased into a Marine and Environmental Science Center janitor's closet so they didn’t have a lot of time to plan how they’d get back out. But the greatest part? Remember when we said that the door had locked behind them? Well, it turns out they only thought it had. The closet actually didn’t have a lock. The two literally could have opened the door at any time instead of hunkering down and trading off pooping in the corner. But hey, at least now prison will feel like a luxury hotel.

Hotdog Robber Shoots Off His Own ... Um ... You Might Want To Skip This Entry

Whatever your stance on guns, most everybody agrees they need to be used responsibly. It’s important to keep them unloaded and with the safety on until you’re absolutely ready to use it. And even after all that, you should never aim a gun at something unless you absolutely intend to shoot that thing. For example, your penis.

Terrion Pouncy decided to rob a Far South Side hot dog stand in Chicago. Wearing a scarf on his face and pointing a small-caliber gun, Pouncy commanded the two employees to hand over all the money in the cash register. The employees complied, and Pouncy ran from the restaurant with his newfound riches. As he left, Pouncy attempted to stuff his gun into the front of his pants despite, as we all know, that being exactly where most penises are located. Pouncy was quickly reminded of this fact when his gun fired twice hitting Pouncy in both the thigh and the actual penis itself.

An air mattress in an empty room is the true sign of wealth.

To his sort-of credit, Pouncy managed to keep running despite his mangled member flopping around in his sweatpants, and he even managed to ditch some evidence of his fateful caper before eventually calling 911 and letting them know of his damaged hog. Whenever he gets released from jail, we imagine he’ll likely never return to a hotdog stand again. Even if the reason is purely Freudian.

Terrorist Turns Himself In For The Money

Even after 17 years in Afghanistan, the war still seems a long way from being over. Every victory can feel pyrrhic as terrorist groups in the region like the Taliban and Al Qaedacontinue to recruit and create instability, and we’ve yet to find a sure-fire strategy for stabilizing the country and eliminating the need for a military presence. But maybe that’s because we haven’t tried offering the Taliban leadership a cool 100 bucks each if they’d give up. Hey, it’s worked before.

See, Mohammad Ashan was a low-level Taliban commander who was wanted by Afghan security forces for the coordination of multiple IED attacks on US and Afghan troops. Though they didn’t expect much, Ashan had done enough damage that officials decided to post a few “wanted” posters in the districts where he was active. They also offered a measly $100 reward (for reference, the FBI’s most wanted criminal has a $100,000 reward), just in case the promise of a Ben Franklin could motivate normal citizens to betray and potentially piss off a literal terrorist.

Well, it turns out that somebody was willing to risk it all for $100: Mohammad Ashan. It turns out there’s a very clear reason why Ashan is considered low-level, he’s an idiot.

 New York Post

New York Post

They call that "the $100 stare".

Imagine the surprise of the Afghan security officers when Ashan walked up to them at a police checkpoint carrying a wanted poster with his name on it and demanding a reward. Ashan is nothing if not thourough, and along with the poster, he also brought along an image of his fingerprint, and other identification. He wanted everybody there to be sure it was him. After all, how else could he prove he was worthy of the reward?

The security officers at the checkpoint understandably couldn’t believe anybody was that stupid, so they called the US military to come in and help identify the clearly deranged man. According to The Washington Post, US Army Spc. Matthew Baker incredulously asked, “Is this you?” to which Ashan immediately responded, “Yes, yes, that’s me! Can I get my award now?” To be fair, he’d probably been out in the sun all day and was frustrated with all the red tape bureaucracy he was dealing with.

Shockingly, Ashan was promptly arrested and didn’t receive any money.

Would Be Religious Fanatics Attempt To Dry Gunpowder With Fire

Contrary to what we saw in V For Vendetta, the Gunpowder Plot of 1605 had almost nothing to do with slo-motion knife ballets. In the movie and comic book (or graphic novel, if you’re one of those people), the semi-terrorist, V, is inspired by the Gunpowder Plot instigators’ rebellion against a tyrannical, oppressive government. What’s not apparent in the movie, however, is just how freaking stupid everybody involved with the Gunpowder Plot was.

The Gunpowder Plot was an attempt by a bunch of Catholics to assassinate the English/Scottish King James. The idea was to gain more religious freedom by ... blowing the king up with explosives. Sort of like trying to argue for a later bedtime by burning your house down: technically you might get what you want, but now you also have to live with Dirty Rick under a bridge in Midtown. Doesn't seem worth it.

 Pixabay

Pixabay

On the upside: Tomorrow was your turn to do the dishes.

Well, unfortunately, before the gunpowder plotters could light the fuse, the head bomber, Guy Fawkes, was caught, and his explosives were confiscated. A few of Fawkes’ co-conspirators eluded capture, however, and decided to use whatever remaining explosives they had to continue the glorious revolution. They only had one, tiny problem: All of their gunpowder was super moist and wouldn’t ignite.

Determined not to let their plans falter again, the revolutionaries came up with a simple solution. Why not dry the gunpowder? Once it’s dry it’ll be easy to explode again! You can see where this is going.

So the amateur saboteurs went right to work. Since hair dryers didn't exist yet, they naturally decided to build themselves a little fire to dry the wet powder. To nobody's surprise, it promptly exploded all over the place.

Now armed with zero explosives -- and the newly-appointed head conspirator, John Grant, no longer equipped with eyeballs thanks to staring directly into the explosion -- the Catholics decided to just assault Warwick Castle directly and hope for the best. They were defeated almost immediately, and the entire group was caught and/or killed, which is about all you can expect from people who tried to cook gunpowder.

Like this article? Check out "5 Real, Creative Punishments The Law Handed Out To Morons" and "Awful Pranks That Backfired So Hard They Made The News".

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