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It feels like it’s almost encoded into our DNA to root for the underdog. Nobody wants to hear the story about Goliath stomping David into matzo while severely weakening the ancient Israeli housing market. We want David to clobber the big man to death with small stones. It’s a form of wish fulfillment nearly as old as time.
Secretly, whoever “The Man” is in our lives (our boss, our bank, our next-door neighbor the Philistine giant that legend foretold) we wish we had the stones to stand up to them and knock them out with handmade weaponry. Well, these people stuck it to “The Man” so hard they almost got Rage Against The Machine back together.
A Guy Created A Brilliant Robot To Chat With Telemarketers
It sounds like a bad Jerry Seinfeld lead-in at this point, but, like, telemarketers just straight up suck, right? I mean, I understand that people have to make a living, and I’m super happy that they have jobs ... but holy crap are they annoying. What’s really frustrating is that there’s no easy way to fight back against these soulless corporations dedicated to selling you a timeshare in war-torn Somalia. Unless, of course, your name is Roger Anderson.
Anderson is a telecom professional who grew increasingly frustrated with unsolicited telemarketers clogging up his beloved telephone lines. So like a vigilante badass, he decided to flip the sales script and annoy the hell out of some telemarketers for once. His solution was creating a chat robot software that mimics a real person ... specifically a real person who’s high out of their mind. It’s designed to drag out conversations until the caller gives up, or just sends them a burlap sack of ED pills for free out of frustration.
Anderson’s software, named the Jolly Roger Telephone Co., comes with all sorts of infuriating conversation topics ranging from the need for coffee to a sudden bee attack:
“Oh, gee, hang on. There’s a bee on me. There’s a bee on my arm. You know what? You keep talking. I’m not going to talk though, but go ahead and keep talking. Say that part again. And I’m just going to stay quiet ’cause of this bee.”
If a telemarketer pushes through with their sales pitch, the bot will frequently cut them off and say things like, “Look, I know I’m kind of out of it, but that was way too much information all at once,” and “Could you slow down and start over?”
Their YouTube page has dozens of hilarious examples of telemarketers losing their freaking minds. Frequently, these callers resort to name calling and cussing out the robots, which is both a terrible sales tactic for ED pills and the first step toward encouraging robots to stand up and fight back.
All in all, it may not bring the telemarketing industry to its knees, but anybody that downloads the free software can rest easy knowing they’re ruining some corporate shill’s entire day.
A Dude Demanded $190,000 In $20 Bills From A Bank That Refused Him A Loan
Roger Griffiths is a man who has defied all odds in that he managed to make an extremely respectable living as an artist. By 2009, The New Zealand watercolorist was sitting pretty with a solid $190,000 savings. By comparison, my parents refuse to even put my watercolors on their fridge.
Given that Griffiths had done so well for himself, it seems like it should be a breeze for him to secure a measly $80,000 mortgage for a new house. After all, the bank he contacted about a loan, Westpac, was the same bank where he’d stored his unprecedented watercolor savings for some 25 years. But to his surprise, Westpac refused the loan because Griffiths didn’t have a “regular income” as an artist. It’s almost like the bank was worried that painting was just some fad, and they were worried about the medium’s long-term viability. If the dude can squirrel away nearly $200,000 just by selling watercolors, it seems fairly likely he’ll be able to come up with another $80,000.
Griffiths was understandably frustrated with Westpac, but when he learned they’d lost $111 million to Lane Walker Rudkin Industries and their extensive fraud, he decided to get some revenge. After all, how could they trust a corrupt company with $111 million, but be too worried about his ability to come up with a measly $80,000? Griffiths wanted to move his money out of Westpac to another bank, but he wanted to do so in the most annoying way possible.
This man isn’t a national treasure. He’s a treasure to the entire world.
Griffiths demanded the bank give him back his entire savings, and he wanted them to do it all in $20 notes. For those keeping score at home, that’s 9,500 individual bills. And each bill had to be painstakingly hand counted out by an employee to ensure they weren’t stiffing him on his life savings. The only way his justice could have been sweeter was if he’d gotten a Jolly Roger robot to constantly ask the counter to start over every twelve seconds while a bigass bee flew by.
A Man Fought For His Right To Fart At And Around Police
Being a police officer is demanding work. They need to always be on alert; ready to react at a moment’s notice to maintain order and safety for civilians. Despite their importance, the job can be thankless and dangerous. You never know when a criminal might take a couple of shots at you or even, you know, fart on you or whatever. At least, that’s apparently what German police dealt with back in 2016 when a man’s loose fart wafted in the general direction of a Berlin policewoman.
Police had come upon a group of people who weren’t doing anything, and demanded to see their IDs. Instead of reaching for his driver’s license, one of the men in the group instead reared back and farted on the police. Twice. Fighting back their unending shame and gag reflex, the police apprehended the man and slapped him with a €900 fine. But just like the worst farts, the story didn’t end with the passing of gas.
Word is the German K-9 unit was gleefully perplexed by the attack.
The flatulent man flatly refused to pay the fine, and his case was brought before the courts in what can be translated as the “Crazy Toots Trial”, because there is still some beauty left in this world. The resulting case took 18 months, required the attention of 23 public officials, and ultimately ended without much substance. When the case finally went in front of a judge, it was thrown out of court in less than ten minutes, and the man didn’t have to pay a dime. The man was vindicated, and the legal system could return to other issues surrounding that police unit. Namely, all the orgies they’d been having in between fart busts.
Of course, this has now created the dangerous legal precedent of allowing street thugs to shart at the police whenever they feel threatened. Like Notre Dame Cathedral for Quasimodo, German Taco Bell is about to become a malodorous sanctuary for German criminals.
A Guy Smashes Every Single Cop Car With A Tractor
How to deal with drug offenders is, at best, a contentious issue in American politics. Some believe all drugs should be legal while others believe drug users and sellers alike should be stuffed in a cannon and shot into the sun. If you asked Vermont’s Roger Pion what he thinks ... well, you probably wouldn’t get an answer right away. Mostly because he’d be busy smashing cop cars with his dad’s tractor while blazing a joint and presumably blasting “Sweet Leaf” by Black Sabbath. See, in 2012, Pion did pretty much exactly that.
After getting arrested for marijuana possession, Pion decided to show his frustration the old-fashioned way, and crippled the entire local police fleet. Pion’s tractor rampage resulted in the destruction of six cop cars, one cop van, and ultimately $300,000 in damages. The police tried to pursue Pion, obviously, but it wasn’t particularly easy seeing as, as one officer put it, “We had nothing to chase him with.”
Police were reportedly crushed over the incident.
In the strangest twist of all, Pion ended up not being charged with any crime. Pion’s antics ultimately made him something of a folk hero online. In fact, the Free Thought Project released an article titled: Man Crushes 7 Cop Cars with a Tractor and Gets Away with it, Like a Boss. It’s almost as if the police department looked at the extensive damage and just said, “Yep. We get it. A Colt 45 and two zigzags really is all you need. Who are we to get in the way of that?”
Well, that, or they determined that at the time of the incident he was legally insane. Though he isn’t now!
Some Prisoner Told Hitler To F*** Himself Through Needlecraft
When thinking about standing up to Hitler and the Nazis, what are the images that mostly come to mind? Is it soldiers valiantly charging the beaches of Normandy or Parisian resistance fighters cutting the elevator cables to the Eiffel Tower so Hitler couldn’t enjoy the view from the top? Do you imagine staunch defiance via violent ... embroidery?
When British Major Alexis Casdagli was captured near the beginning of World War II, his ability to fight the Nazis was suddenly limited. Casdagli’s captors didn’t exactly allow prisoners access to handguns or Brute Shots, but they did hand over some sewing needles. And it was with those needles that Casdagli would enact his sweet, sweet revenge. Also, before you ask, no, he didn’t, like, stab Hitler in the neck or anything. He did stitch a bunch of really mean sweaters, though. And they’re honestly pretty hilarious.
This is the less F-word-laden message (note the Morse code around the border).
In and around his endless homemade swastikas and other Nazi propaganda, Casdagli would stitch secret messages in Morse code in all of the things he made. Sometimes it’d be relatively benign like “God Saves The King,” but other times he’d go balls-out and painstakingly embroider “F*** Hitler” into his work. Strangely, no Nazis ever caught on, and in fact by the time he was freed, Casdagli’s work was being showcased in several camps across Germany. He even taught a freaking knitting class for around 40 men. And we’re pretty sure they all became fluent Morse Code cursers.