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by Pauli Poisuo
Tons of people do stupid and awful things every day and pretty much get away with it. But sometimes, the universe lines up the laser sights on its big karmic guns and delivers ruthless moral retribution to idiots who probably should have seen it coming. And when that happens ... It. Is. AWESOME.
Man Attempts To Shoot Upskirts With A Shoe Camera Which Explodes On His Foot
In June of 2018, an unnamed Madison, Wisconsin man had a plan that was as clever as it was reasonable: He installed a small camera on his shoe to shoot upskirt videos on the street. And while you're probably thinking, "Wait, isn't that the exact opposite of 'clever' and 'reasonable'?" you should know that we entirely agree. We just like setting the scene, and so does the universe, apparently.
The cool thing is that this was not one of those cases where a perverted assbutt gets to perv away scot-free. It was one of those times when karma took notice of the situation and said, "I think it's time you and I got intimate."
Which is why the man didn't get any upskirts. Instead, the shoe camera's battery exploded almost immediately, before he could take any pictures. While being attached to his shoe. The shoe, in fact, he was wearing at the time. On his foot.
We can't give kudos to a dude who rigged up a device solely to spy on unwary unmentionables, but we will give him this: He realized immediately that he'd been punched in the face by one of the swiftest applications of instant karma in human history. Which resulted in immediate repentance like The Seven Hells were chasing him. So he hobbled to a police station to confess his crimes and turn himself in.
"We've tried to take your mugshot 4 times, but it keeps coming out like this."
The cops were pretty weirded out because the guy hadn't actually done anything illegal before the camera went to town on his foot, and also because ewwww, you creep. Being unable to arrest the wannabe voyeur, the officers settled on "counseling him on his actions," which we'll just assume to mean that the biggest and scariest-looking detective shouted, "YOU ARE A CREEPY F**KING IDIOT!" at him for a solid two hours.
Man Impersonating A Cop Tries To Pull Over Real Cops
Matthew Allen Distro had almost everything he wanted in life. An almost badass G.I. Joe-style surname, and an almost cop-style job as a security guard. He wanted to go the whole nine yards with the latter and become a real cop. However, having learned that this requires actually going to a police academy and all that jazz, Distro opted for a more creative route: He customized his Dodge Charger with some law enforcement emergency lighting and just started pulling random people over to ... yell at them or something? Give them speeding tickets he'd written with construction paper and crayon? We may never know.
We're actually not sure what the "success" part of his grand plan was supposed to be, because our story picks up at the point where he happily pulled over two very, very real state troopers. Well, tried to pull over, anyway.
To be fair, the troopers were driving an unmarked Ford Mustang, themselves. We"ll say this mitigates roughly 5% of Distro's stupidity, what with him not actually trying to swing his pretend law trouser snake in front of a real police vehicle with all the visible trimmings. However, he immediately earned those five per cent back with interest, thanks to his timing. The troopers had spotted Distro's Charger and the emergency light setup on its back window, and their interest was piqued enough to run his plates and see that the car belonged to a private citizen. It was at this exact moment of the troopers', "Yeah, that guy's lights are totally against the law," realization that Distro chose to fire up said lights. Then, when the dumbfounded troopers understandably refused to stop at his feeble attempt at policery, he drove next to their car and started screaming and gesturing.
"Have you seen this boy?"
At this point, the troopers activated their own emergency lights, pulled him over, and promptly arrested his ass for impersonating a police officer. We're not sure whether the fact that Distro was wearing his own security guard uniform while highway patrolling made the situation better or worse. What we do know, however, is that the director of the Arizona Department of Public Safety was annoyed enough by his antics to refer to him as "this character" in a statement to a local radio station ... which is the closest a high ranking official can get to calling someone a "goddamn moron" in public.
Australian Guy Jumps Into A River To Prove Australians Don’t Get Attacked By Crocs ... Gets Attacked By A Croc
Lee De Paauw was an Australian 18-year-old trying to impress a pretty backpacker. They got into an argument when De Paauw claimed that Australians are less likely to get attacked by crocodiles than foreigners. Intent on proving his point, he led the party to nearby Johnstone River, which was conveniently awash with crocodiles. Then, to the horror of the others who had just been egging him on, he jumped directly into the croc-infested waters.
He was attacked by a crocodile pretty much immediately. Like, the second he jumped in the water. Which, incidentally, sounds a lot faster than the average croc would attack the average non-Australian. So realistically, if they had a bet, the backpacker won.
What sets this story apart, however, is a bit more than, "Guy got bitten by a croc, haha." Like the dipstick with the exploding shoe, this guy knew karma was biting him in the ass, even when he was mildly distracted by the crocodile biting him in the arm. So he punched and eye-gouged the beast until it released him, got out of the water, and (after the inevitable screaming and surgery) was all, "Yeah, OK, I was wrong. Also drunk."
Editor's note: He looks exactly how I pictured him in my head.
To embrace the situation even further, he held no ill will against the crocodile that had attempted to feast on him. Human-attacking crocs are usually not the most popular ones, but he just wanted to release it back into the wild, specifically stating that he wanted it to have a happy life. The Department of Environment and Heritage Protection didn't quite agree with his, "Yeah, let the man-eating crocodile just frolic and live his best life," thing, and targeted the animal for capture and removal.
Of course, none of his grace took away from the fact that pretty much everyone else thought that he had acted like a colossal dumbass. So colossal, in fact, that an actual statement from a local Member of Parliament who was asked about the need for better protection in cases like this said, "We can't legislate to protect d*ckheads."
Trophy Hunter Shoots An Elephant ... Elephant Falls On Trophy Hunter
Hunting can be a divisive subject, but even the most rabid hunting proponents and animal activists can generally agree on one thing: Trophy hunters that shoot rare beasts mostly just to photograph themselves beside the kill are the worst. And the elephants in Zimbabwe certainly seem to share this sentiment. They're already poached halfway to oblivion for ivory, so they're not exactly receptive to some jackass coming to shoot at them for kicks.
A South African hunter named Theunis Botha found this out the hard way in 2017 when he led a hunting party at the ironically named Good Luck Farm near Hwange National Park, which even more ironically is in the same region where Walter Palmer shot Cecil the Lion two years earlier to much international chagrin. So karma was already doubly coiled to strike when the party steered a little too close to a group of breeding elephants ... and the manure hit the windmill.
It's like Grandma always said: "NEVER interrupt an elephant orgy."
The short version of this story is to say that the hunters shot an elephant, and the elephant fell on Botha with predictable results. That's gross and awful, and also pretty much as karmic as it gets. However, it would also ignore the, well, kinetic events that led up to this situation. Three elephant cows charged the trophy hunters right away. The hunters might have been able to take them, but the problem was that they weren't alone. As Botha fired at the charging beasts, a fourth elephant pulled the "clever girl" gambit famously employed by the velociraptors in Jurassic Park. She attacked the party from the side, grabbed Botha with her trunk, and hoisted him off the ground. One of the hunters fired at the enraged behemoth, and, well ... bang. Splat.
Sorry for the mental image. The next entry will be less depressing, we promise.
Carjackers Try To Steal An SUV With The Wrongest Possible Person Sitting In It
Chicago, April 2018. Scene: Armed carjackers attempt to hijack a Jeep on the street at 8:45 in the morning, using the time-tested "show the gun to the driver and watch as he runs for dear life" method.
Scene, a few minutes later: The area is riddled with bullet holes and the criminals are running like they just met Dirty Harry on a caffeine rush. This is because that’s pretty much exactly what happened.
Unbeknownst to the criminals, the man whose car they attempted to jack was an off-duty police officer. This is already bad news for any member of the non-law-abiding class, but this particular cop happened to be the cop. You know the guy: You've seen him in countless 1980s films, usually portrayed by someone who would later appear in multiple Expendables movies. And he was not about to take this crap at 8:45 in the morning, on his way to get a haircut. So when he found himself staring at a loaded gun, he didn’t terror-piss his pants until he passed out from dehydration. Instead, he calmly got out, brandished his own firearm, and announced that he was an officer.
Then, he started gun-fighting all three of the carjackers at once.
"Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho."
The actual shootout didn't last long. In real life, they seldom do. Maybe 10-12 shots were fired in total. The officer dove behind a white Jeep for cover, while the carjackers returned fire for a few shots before realizing that they were in the kind of scene that generally doesn't end well for criminals, so they hauled balls in the general direction of "seriously, guys, anywhere but here." The Jeep took a few bullets, but no one got hurt. And no cars got jacked, either.
One of the witnesses said, "They ran into the wrong guy at a wrong time." We agree. It's like he had karma sitting on his shoulder like a pirate's parrot.
Like this article? Check out "5 Criminals So Bad At Crime, It's Basically Slapstick" and "5 Ridiculous 911 Calls That Sound Made Up (They’re Not)".