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by Ian Fortey
Man and nature have a long history of not getting along, whether it's us systematically breaking down the environment or nature reminding us with hurricanes and volcanoes that it's still the boss. But sometimes that battle isn't quite so massive, and instead is just a good, old-fashioned slobberknocker between an enraged animal and the unfortunate individual who has found themselves in front of it.
A Guy Saves His Dogs By Fighting A Cougar Outside Of Tim Hortons
If you've never been to Canada, you may not understand Tim Hortons. Sure, the coffee chain has locations in other countries, but there's a cult-like devotion to the place in Canada. Probably nothing short of imminent violence will stop people from getting their joe on, and unfortunately, that's exactly what interrupted Will Gibb's coffee fix.
He had gone inside to meet a friend, leaving his two huskies in the parking lot to frolic about. But shortly thereafter, he heard one of the dogs howl out in pain. Gibb rushed outside to find that some animal had grabbed the dog, and so he just start raining blows down on the thing's head. And it was only after some time that he realized what he'd been punching was a cougar.
In a hyped-up dramatic twist, Gibb scared the attacker off and almost gave chase, because screw that cougar. But then he remembered his dog and went to check on her, which is when things quickly got out of hand (because apparently they weren't already so). But as Gibb went to tend to his wounded and frightened friend, the dog bit him because she was in shock and unaware of what was happening.
Oh, and then the cougar came back.
Gibb found himself on the ground in the parking lot, his left hand in his panicked dog's jaws and his right hand swinging away at an attacking cougar. Eventually the dog let go and ran off, freeing up Gibb to counter-attack. But the cat now had eyes on Gibb's other dog, so he had to put himself between the cougar and that dog. And after grabbing a stick, he actually chased the cat back into the woods as his friend and brother, who'd been inside the Tim Hortons missing the whole thing, rounded up the dogs.
The dog was treated for her injuries and, fortunately, was eventually released. As for Gibb, despite suffering injuries himself, he will at least be able to live out the rest of his days as that dude who wouldn't stop fighting a cougar.
A Guy Survives A Bear Attack By Jump-Kicking It In The Chest
There's a song that says Davy Crockett "kilt him a b'ar when he was only three." What the song fails to mention is that the bear was half dead already, and it died choking on the boy while trying to eat him. Or maybe not -- history"s a little sketchy on the details. What is known is that if you're going to earn the nickname "King of the Wild Frontier," bear-fighting is an important skill to add to your resume.
Johnny Bolton, a name you'd expect a Keanu Reeves character from the early '90s to have, was staying at a friend's cabin in California when one night, he heard a loud commotion coming from downstairs. When he went to investigate, he discovered the source of the noise to be a fully real bear at 100% bearpacity. Having grabbed a blow horn on his way down for just such an occasion, he sounded off a peal of thunder from it, hoping to scare the animal away.
"Sweet horn. Know any Skynyrd?"
Unfortunately, this proved to be ineffective, and instead caused the bear to rear up on its hind legs and lunge at him. Having run out of options other than "being killed," Bolton did what any quick thinking man would do when confronted with nature's ferocity: He landed a flying kick right to the bear's chest.
According to Bolton, his boot connected with the bear's sternum, like Jackie Chan dishing out leather-stitched justice to Thug #17. The bear stumbled back, but just a step, then miraculously chose not to rip its enemy's face off and and leave it somewhere else in the house. We're not sure why, but it did give Bolton enough time to get out the front door and the hell away from there. Presumably, this also afforded the bear the opportunity to venture back into the woods to tell its friends, "Guys, you won’t believe what just happened to me."
A Guy Punches A Kangaroo To Save His Dog
Any kid who grew up on Looney Tunes has at least once entertained the idea of going toe-to-toe with a kangaroo. Not in an animal cruelty way, but just because we were sure we could have totally taken Hippety Hopper down. And because humanity is weird, that was based on real life stuff, only with humans instead of cartoon cats. People actually used to fight kangaroos because their natural fighting stance sort of looked like boxing. Their actual fighting style is very much unlike boxing, however, preferring a method that's more balancing on their tail and using a clawed jump kick that can straight-up murder you. Which makes what one Greig Tonkins did both incredibly dangerous and heroic as hell.
Tonkins was out pig hunting with some friends and his dog when they saw his canine companion being choked out WWE-style by a kangaroo, which is definitely one of those scenarios you have to see to believe. But that kangaroo was definitely choking that dog, which is just a weirdass thing to wrap your mind around. It's like being stabbed by a clown -- on the one hand, "Oh no!" and on the other, "Heh, clown."
Rather than let his faithful hunting buddy get asphyxiated by a mutant rabbit, Tonkins runs in for the save, allowing the dog the chance to wrestle free. For good measure, Tonkins puts up his dukes and pops the kangaroo right in the beak. The animal stands there kind of like a gym bro showing off his pecs and does absolutely nothing, stunned to impotence by the strange man who just lobbed a jab into his craw. Then they both return to their corners, the fight is over and the dog is saved.
And the lesson to be learned from this encounter? Sometimes, to save a good friend, you need to punch a kangaroo right in its suckhole.
A Dude Punches A Gator Right In Its Eye For Snatching His Dog
There's no rule that says you need an old timey hero name to fight an unfightable animal, but it probably helps. And it might have been that very thing that gave David Quarterman the extra push he needed to throw down with an alligator that went after his dog. You need something to tip the scales in your favor, aside from having balls the size of Jupiter.
Quarterman, who People magazine took the time to mention is 58-years-old, 5'5" and 150lbs of unbridled fury, was walking his Labrador along a creek in Georgia when a 9-foot alligator reared up out of the water, clamped down on the dog and dragged it underwater. Quarterman ran into the water, and the dog (still in the gator's jaws) popped up right in front of him. Quarterman was fueled entirely by adrenaline at this point and just lashed out, popping the alligator right in its dog-snatching eyeball.
Man, predators sure are dicks to dogs.
The gator opened its jaws, probably to say "What the hell?" which allowed Quarterman just enough time to get the dog free. After punching his way to victory, he took the dog to the vet where it was treated for some puncture wounds, because DUH. An alligator had just been chewing on it.
A Woman Pries A Mountain Lion's Jaws Apart To Pull Her Son's Head From Its Mouth
The instinct to protect your young is a strong one, because you need to ensure that there will be people around to do your dishes and change your diapers when you're older. They are important cogs in the machine of surviving old age. Love might have something to do with it, but we're leaning into the dishes angle. And that's the reason one mom from Colorado was not about to let her 5-year-old just be eaten by a mountain lion: love or dishes.
The mom, whose name was not released so that mountain lions wouldn’t know where to exact their revenge, heard her son scream from the yard where he'd been playing with his brother. She ran out and saw the large feline on top of him, then just straight-up barreled forward like the Juggernaut. She plowed into the cat and yanked its paws away only to discover her kid's head was literally inside the mountain lion's mouth.
"Yeah, I did it. Whatchu gonna do about it, son?"
The mom grabbed the cat's face in her hands and yanked its jaws apart, dislodging her son from its grasp. In what was sure to be a baffling moment for the cat, it didn't even give chase when the mother picked up her son and ran.
The boy suffered a number of lacerations, but his injuries weren't life-threatening. The cat, which police say had been rather small, accounting for why Mom was able to fight it off, was tracked down and shot.
A Man Wrestles A 7-Foot Long Shark To Shore In Order To Save His Nephew's Arm
A lot of people attribute the fear of sharks to the movie Jaws and the way it waged a sadistic campaign of ill-placed vitriol against sea faring hunger engines. In reality, sharks were of little concern to people, historically, because who tries to tangle with a shark? No one, because they're basically razor-filled mouths that know how to swim, and nobody before the 20th century thought it would be a good idea to splash about in front of one. But sometimes a line needs to be drawn on the sandy beach, and that's what happened when 8-year-old Jesse Arbogast was attacked by a shark in Langdon Beach, Florida.
The 7-foot bull shark attacked Jesse in the shallow water, taking off the boy's arm above the elbow. His uncle Vance Flosenzier jumped into the fray like Batman with his anti-shark repellent and grabbed the animal's tail, fearful it would attack other swimmers, including Jesse's siblings and cousins.
That's a load of bull-shark right there.
While Jesse's aunt performer CPR and an air ambulance was called in, Flosenzier wrestled that damn shark clean out of the ocean and told others that the kid's arm was still inside it. A park ranger on the beach ended up coming over and shooting the shark dead, then used his baton to literally pry the mouth open so someone could reach inside and pull Jesse's arm back out.
Jesse was airlifted to a hospital, and doctors actually managed to reattach his arm. The boy lost a lot of blood, causing him to slip into a coma for a bit, but he did survive and his recovery was slow but hopeful. Initially the boy couldn't even speak, but within three years he was using a wheelchair and communicating in a limited fashion. Eight years on, he was home and happy, according to his parents, though he had disabilities he'd never overcome. If that seems like small progress, keep in mind he was almost eaten by a shark. He had to be given 30 pints of blood. And he would have been missing a limb if his uncle hadn't grabbed a shark by the tail and hauled it out of the sea.
Like this article? Check out "5 'Harmless' Animals That Can Straight-Up Kill You" and "5 Times Man Took On Nature And Lost Spectacularly".