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by Eamon Lahiri
We may be taking a leap here, but we’re guessing your plans for the future don’t include things like bank robberies or car theft. At least we hope, because those things aren’t what rogues are about ... they’re what dicks are about. But that doesn’t mean we can’t use other people’s crimes to learn lessons. Specifically: Always have a plan.
Wait, let’s rephrase that: Always have a plan that doesn’t sound like an episode of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. For instance ...
A Guy Tries To Rob A Bank That’s Been Closed For 17 Years
If you’re planning a robbery, Step Two is to make sure that the place you’re going to rob actually exists. Step One is to not be a complete and utter moron. Though if you fail at Step One, Step Two becomes exponentially more difficult.
Siegfried K., a 57-year-old man from Germany, thought he had nailed both of these steps. The problem is that morons often don’t know that they’re morons, so he kind of fell into his own Catch 22 when he burst into the bank with a pistol, seized a hostage, and demanded €10,000 in cash.
We assume that he had a life-changing realization about Step Two when he realized that this wasn’t a bank. It used to be, once upon a time ... 17 years ago, but it had long since been converted into a psychotherapy center. In fact, the only thing even loosely resembling a bank were some ATMs scattered around the area.
Look, an ATM! That’s a bank worth robbing.
Thinking quickly (or what Herr K. would define as “thinking”), he pointed the gun at another person and demanded that they withdraw cash from one of the ATMs. That person complied, handing him €400, and we assume he flopped into the sunset, making Daffy Duck noises. Finally, Step Two was complete.
Well ... not really. After nabbing the cash, he stole a car and sped away. The police later found that car abandoned and the toy pistol he’d used for the robbery sitting in plain view. It had so many of his fingerprints on it, he might as well have just left his severed hand in the car, holding a picture of him committing the actual crime.
For his idiocy, he got a seven year prison sentence. Though it probably would have been less if he didn’t have a record of 22 other offenses.
Jewel Thieves Break Into Everything Except The Jewelry Store
Once you’ve made sure that the place you’re robbing actually exists, it’s pretty important that you’re able to enter it. Well, if you’re a thief, that is. A good rule of thumb for normal, sane people is: Don’t enter places with the intention of robbing them. Regardless, back to the idiots ...
In Australia, two masterminds decided that they needed some sweet bling, but paying for it is for suckers. So they rolled up and tried to bust through the front window, but the glass continued to be fully intact, and the men were forced to try another approach.
They went behind the building and tried the back door. Success! Except it wasn’t the door to the jewelry shop -- it was for the neighboring business, “Animal Welfare League Opportunity Shop.” Which now that we see it in writing, it sounds like at least two words need to be removed from that name. Once inside, they basically pulled the old, “No, we totally meant to come in here,” and stole their charity box. They were now a whole $50 richer. Still, the jewelry store sat untouched.
“Dude, look! There’s tons of pet food ripe for the taking.”
Not to be dissuaded, they gave it one last shot. They went into the bathroom of an adjacent store and used a metal bar to bust a hole through the wall. Finally! They squeezed through the hole, and ... stepped into a KFC.
Screw it. Since they were already there, and the bar could be used as a weapon, they just rolled with it. They held up the place and got out with about $2,600 US before finally getting busted (and home-raided) by the cops.
Robbery Is Foiled By A Stolen Getaway Donkey
In 2013, three men pulled off what we’re considering the crime of the century, Ocean’s Eleven style. Well, Ocean’s Eleven if it was set in the universe of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. They broke in through the roof of a closed convenience store at 2 a.m. and loaded up on the most tempting items it had to offer: rum, oil, rice, tuna and sardines.
We like to imagine them using night vision goggles and atomic clocks to pull it off, but that may just be the vision of the movie we want to write about it. Regardless, they exited the crime scene and loaded the stolen goods into their getaway vehicle. Well, not “in” it, so much as “on” it. Because it was a donkey. A donkey they had stolen earlier that day.
Now, for those who don’t deal with these animals on a regular basis (4.2% of our audience if Google Analytics are to be believed), there’s a couple of things you need to know about donkeys: 1) They are about as fast as an average human slithering through a wicked hangover. And 2) They can be ear-piercingly loud, especially when being handled by people they don’t recognize. Both of those things make them less of a getaway vehicle and more of a screaming paperweight.
Its ensuing freak-out alerted the police, who arrived at the scene to find that the thieves had fled, leaving all of their loot strapped to the donkey. The goods, and the donkey, were eventually returned to their rightful owners.
California Congressman Writes Out "Bribe Menus" On His Own Congressional Note Cards
So let’s say you’re a member of Congress who’s living rent-free on a 42 foot luxury yacht when, suddenly, your entire corrupted past catches up to you. You sell the boat in a panic, attempting to scrub it from existence ... but by that point, every news outlet in the country is watching you scramble. It’s not hard to figure out that something bigger is going on behind the scenes.
It turns out that California Congressman Randal “Duke” Cunningham had been taking massive bribes for years, and -- wait, a politician taking bribes? GASP! Surely you jest.
Oh, we don’t jest. Not unless it’s a situation that demands jesting. When it comes to this stuff, we are jest-free. We are jestless. There is nary a smidgen of jest happening here.
Anyway, the bribes were what you’d expect: Give me a big-ass kickback, and I’ll make sure you get that government contract that will take your business to the next level. According to the court findings, he not only made millions by doing this, but he badgered witnesses in an attempt to cover it all up.
“Just to be clear, you shut up about this, and I don’t tell anyone about the ear suit.”
Yes, that’s all extremely stupid, but it doesn’t compare to one of the pieces of evidence that helped take him down. An investigation found that Duke was giving out actual “menus” that listed bribe prices to potential clients. Even more shocking, the menus were made out in his own handwriting, on the back of his own official congressional note cards, each bearing the seal of the United States Congress.
He couldn’t have been more blatant if he had installed a drive-thru window next to his congressional seat, and a neon sign that flashed, “BRIBES HERE.”
Cheating Couple Gets Busted For Murder Because Of Vegetarianism
This may be the most bizarre, convoluted murder we’ve ever heard ... but it’s the way they got caught that really pushes this one into “soap opera” territory.
In late 2017, Swathi Reddy and her lover, Ajakole Rajesh, were arrested in India for killing Reddy’s husband, Sudhakar. Being a nurse, Reddy had access to anesthetics. So one day she injected her husband, and waited for him to pass out. Then the cheating couple beat him to death with metal rods.
Once he was dead, they took him to a forest, disfigured his face, and set him on fire. And that’s not even the crazy part.
Once the body was disposed of, they went back home, broke out some acid and gasoline, and scarred the living crap out of Rajesh’s face. Their plan was to report a break-in to police and claim that the burglars had attacked her husband with acid. Rajesh was admitted to the hospital under the identity of Sudhakar, and everything was actually going according to plan ... right up until meal time.
“Right, so are you guys bringing Bagel Bites, or …”
The hospital brought him mutton soup, which he declined, because he’s a vegetarian. He even registered as such when he was admitted. Sudhakar’s parents, however, knew that their son wasn’t. That set off a bunch of suspicions that led to the parents filing a police report, claiming that the man in the hospital wasn’t their son.
Reddy finally broke down and admitted to the whole thing. And actually, now that we see the entire plan laid out like this in writing, we take back the “soap opera” comment. Not even soap operas would write a story like this, because it would sound too unrealistic.
Like this article? Check out “5 Criminals So Bad At Crime, It’s Basically Slapstick” and “4 Hilariously Bad Thieves, Caught On Video”.