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by Pauli Poisuo
The media is full of awful news, so once in a while it’s nice to have a quick break from that constant, soul-sucking barrage of joylessness. That’s why we’re bringing you this article about a completely different kind of news. And while we’re not saying that your life will be altered by this glorious batch of ridiculous stories, we are saying that you need a smile today, and damn, this bunch should deliver.
A Seal Slaps A Kayaker With An Octopus
Let’s say that you’re a member of a GoPro-sponsored kayaking entourage. A little off the coast of New Zealand, your party sees a bunch of cute seals frolicking in the sea. Oh, man; that’s amazing -- you rarely get to see stuff like that. And then, suddenly, one of said seals rises from the waters like Poseidon Himself, whips its head at you, and SPLAT! You’ve just been slapped across the face. With an octopus.
Do ... do seals do that? Evidently, yes, but what did you do to deserve it? Did you look at it funny? Did you look at its lady seal funny? Or did the seal just make a bet with its friends? “All right, Steve. We bet you six halibuts that you don’t have the guts to go octo-punch that hairless monkey floating on the hollow log.”
If you want the boring and slightly gross scientific explanation: The kayaker just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. The seal was probably just bodyslamming the octopus in hopes of removing one of its tentacles and then slurping the loose limb up like spaghetti.
Which is kind of cool, we guess -- but not as cool as our theory, where the seal was actually seeking revenge for some past octopus-themed slight and will absolutely never stop seeking it. So from now on, every time the guy ventures somewhere near water, he’s got a solid five seconds to enjoy the scenery before getting assaulted by a seal with an octopus.
A Man Takes His Lion For A Joyride
Look, we realize that most mammalian pets need fresh air and exercise. It’s just that we can’t help but feel that if your pet is a freaking lion, you might want to rethink the whole “walk” thing. No, wait. We didn’t mean that you should shove her in a car and take her for a spin through the city center instead. That is not a reasonable alternative. Seriously, dude, don’t do th-
You’re looking at some 2017 footage from Karachi, Pakistan, where a grown-ass man made the decision to shove his actual lion in the back of his pickup truck and take her to town. Still, let’s not be hasty and call the guy an irresponsible pet owner -- after all, the lion does have a collar and a leash. Certainly, nothing could go wrong with safety measures like that.
As for the lion herself, she’s actually surprisingly chill in the hustle and bustle of a major city road. Somehow even more chill: the rickshaw driver who at one point in the video drives clearly within clawing distance, and the dude at the end of the video who walks way too close to the vehicle containing an exposed lion to shoot some sweet-ass phone camera footage.
Considerably less chill about the situation: the police, who unsurprisingly arrested the crap out of the driver after a complaint from a concerned citizen. He turned out to be a local pet dealer who was just taking the lion to the vet, apparently unaware that there are safer ways to move large beasts that can easily kill people.
A Casual Shopping Trip Turns A Car Into A Beehive
In 2016, a 68-year-old Welsh lady climbed in her Mitsubishi Outlander and drove to town for a casual shopping trip. Tragically, the story doesn’t tell us whether or not her shopping list included an Imitating Nicolas Cage for Dummies book, but we’re just going to assume that it did, because oh man, was she about to get some opportunities to use that one line about the bees.
When the woman returned to her car, she noticed something peculiar: Her Outlander had mysteriously been swarmed by roughly all the bees. Thousands and thousands of them, just crawling over the exterior of her car. While the lady was presumably busy wondering just what she had done to incur the wrath of Old Testament God, a park ranger happened on the scene and attempted to take control of the situation, calling beekeepers in to scrape the insect horde off the vehicle and take them back to pollinating stuff. It didn’t go quite as smoothly as it could have, of course: People got stung. At one point, a drunk dude came up and freaking scooped at the writhing mass with his bare hand, with predictable and probably sobering results. But finally, the bees were gone, and the lady drove back home.
And then, the next morning, she stepped out, and the damn bees were covering her car again.
This is no longer your car — it is our home.
After another frantic call to the beekeepers and a second removal operation, they were finally able to figure out the reason for the persistent swarm attack on the lady’s poor Mitsubishi: A migrating queen bee had flown in the car when the door was open and got trapped there. The swarm was just following it around because they were basically trying to launch a rescue operation.
A Japanese Museum Is Locked In A Battle Against Two Persistent Cats
Every museum has its share of difficult visitors. However, few museums have to deal with such persistent, unwanted guests as Japan’s Onomichi City Museum of Art. For years, two art lovers have tried to sneak their way into the museum without paying. They constantly clash with the personnel, yet tirelessly return to cause trouble. And in a plot twist for the people who may have skipped the header of this entry: Those art lovers just happen to be cats.
In 2016, the museum hosted a cat-themed exhibition. This attracted the attention of a black cat, and later its tabby friend, who repeatedly tried to get in to see what the fuss was about. Knowing that cats live to ruin basically every single thing ever, and also because it’s their job not to let animals in the building, the guards denied them entry. Hilariously, this move would cost them countless hours of work.
Since the most certain way to get a cat to really want to go somewhere is to let it know that the location in question is out of bounds, the felines just kept on coming. Seasons changed, exhibitions changed, but the cats remained. They adorably loitered near the premises, attempting to enter on most days. Fortunately for the museum guards, the cats didn’t take the enraged “ball of claws and hissing” approach, but remained pretty chill about the whole deal -- when the guards or other museum staff inevitably intercepted them, they tended to just casually flop to their side, or sit down and politely wait for a possible pat on the head before their inevitable removal. And then, the next day, they’d be back.
I will not be ignored.
At this point, the “war” has gone on for over two years. For those of you keeping score, the cats have yet to see a single exhibit, but otherwise it looks like they’re very much winning. They went viral (because of course they did), and at this point they have more worldwide recognition than the museum itself. And the staff seems seems pretty OK with that, seeing as the gift shop now features cat designs, and even the official Twitter of the museum is basically a cat blog.
A Quiet Day At A French Bar When Suddenly: Horse
Everyone’s heard those lame-ass “a horse walks into a bar” jokes. But have you ever wondered how that particular event would play out in real life? We’re guessing that it would go a little something like this:
“So, a horse walks into a bar. ‘Why the long face?’ the bartender asks. The horse then proceeds to tear up the whole joint, because it cannot comprehend human language and is already freaked out by the unfamiliar place and the smell of ethanol.”
OK, we cheated a bit there. We don’t actually need to guess, because that exact thing happened in 2018.
A quiet October afternoon at a bar in Chantilly, a sleepy town to the north of Paris, turned infinitely more interesting when a madly bucking horse suddenly stormed the place. We like to think it was carrying a 1980s boombox, too, because we refuse to believe that the music in that video didn’t play in the background during the actual event. Everyone ran for their lives, because that’s the only reasonable cause of action when your watering hole is suddenly invaded by a frenzied filly that is dealing kicks at convenient head height and damn well brought enough for everyone.
Here’s where things get weird. The bar was one of France’s syndicated betting bars where you can bet on, among other things, horse races, and the horse was a racehorse that had escaped from its trainer when its rider fell off. It ran to a nearby road, crossed a roundabout, and finally made a beeline directly to the betting corner of the bar before turning away and exiting the premises. We’re not saying that the horse just decided to drop by at the bar and check its own odds. But hey, if that’s the way you want to play this story the next time you’re at a sports bar, we’re not stopping you.
Like this article? Check out “4 Animals Who Are Objectively More Successful Than Most People” and “6 Times Humans Were Forced To Fist-Fight Nature”.
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