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Freelancing can be incredibly difficult. You’re never exactly sure where your next paycheck is coming from, and health care is basically just praying generic ibuprofen will cure whatever’s growing on your leg. That said, the best part of freelancing is the freedom (and sometimes desperate need) to spread your wings and try all sorts of unique paying gigs. So for you shameless freelancers out there searching for a quick buck, look no further ... and definitely don’t look at that thing on my leg. Its fine.
Pretend To Be A Monkey To Scare Off ... Monkeys
Different countries have different, unique issues. For example, Greenland’s fear of icebergs destroying their villages isn’t quite as big a deal in, say, Kenya. Or like how India is apparently the only country in danger of being entirely conquered by feisty monkeys.
For literally years, New Delhi’s government buildings were under constant assault from cutie-pie rhesus macaque monkeys. Though a monkey attack sounds precious, this was decidedly not a small problem. Monkeys broke through security, harassed government employees, destroyed important files, and even straight up assassinated a guy. Seriously.
In 2007, Delhi’s deputy mayor fell from his house’s terrace directly onto his head whilst fighting off an attacking band of monkeys. He was rushed to the hospital but died a day later, turning yet another Onion article into reality. We still don’t know who hired these monkeys or what their intentions were, but they clearly meant business.
They’ve even learned to build ornamental gates, trapping citizens across the city.
Given the literal body count, the Indian government finally decided action was necessary. Their original counter-plan was to train groups of larger langur monkeys to battle the relatively small rhesus macaque monkeys in a real-life Planet of the Apes scenario but ultimately balked at the idea of knowingly bringing about the end of mankind. So instead, they went with the next best thing: humans that act like scary monkeys.
40 professional monkey impersonators were hired and deployed into the field. They stood outside government buildings and screamed at any monkeys that didn’t belong. Unfortunately they stopped short of fully dressing up as langur monkeys, but that doesn’t mean these guys weren’t legit. According to one of the men who hired them, “These are men who are village performers, and some of them have played monkeys on stage. So they mimic the sound of the langur and it scares the smaller, red-faced macaques away.” To be fair, grownass men screaming like monkeys would probably terrify anybody.
Despite their extensive stage experience, it didn’t really work all that well. India is now trying to feed monkeys contraceptives. They’re about one monkey-murder away from creating the ALZ-112 virus.
A Living Bed Warmer
You know how sometimes your bed isn’t as warm as you’d like? Well, what if it was as warm as you’d like? That’s the simple question driving Holiday Inn’s complimentary bed warming service. Back in 2010, Holiday Inn offered a service where an employee would don a special head-to-toe sleep suit and crawl beneath the covers of your bed. After they wriggle around for a few minutes, they hop out, leaving the bed as toasty as if ... some sweaty Holiday Inn employee had just rubbed themselves all over it.
The idea isn’t quite as far-fetched or weird as it sounds. According to an actual sleep doctor, Dr Chris Idzikowski of the Edinburgh Sleep Centre, there’s scientific evidence that shows a warm bed facilitates better sleep than a cold one. And since bed warming was primarily tried out in Holiday Inns across the notoriously cold and rainy United Kingdom, it sort-of, kind-of seems logical. If nothing else, Holiday Inn spokeswoman Jane Bednall said it was “like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed,” if that’s appealing to you.
What’s creepier: the service or the customer who uses that service?
It’s unclear if Holiday Inn still offers this service, but if not, there’s a pretty Russian lady named Viktoria Ivachyova who’s willing to warm up any bed for a reasonable £65 per night or £1,350 per month. No, that’s not some sort of innuendo, though for that kind of money you probably could hire a real hooker ... or at least buy a better blanket.
And since Neil Degrasse Tyson also doesn’t appear to have an actual job, just last year he “debunked” the “myth” that people wearing robes could significantly warm a bed. Technically, Holiday Inn employees are wearing special “sleeper suits” but whatever. Tyson was so upset he cried out in anguish, “This was an entire ad campaign invented by people who knew nothing about physics! And I worry for the future!” before presumably ripping off his tear-away suit and jumping out a window.
An In-Game Hitman
At this point, most gamers have probably played as a hitman of some kind. A good assassination mission is often a nice change of pace from shooting 23,000 terrorists or zombies in a row. Assassin’s Creed, Splinter Cell, and, uh, Hitman all task players with performing some type of digital murder for the greater good. It’s all in good fun, obviously, because hiring a real-world hitman is often considered rude. But what if you hired a hitman to commit a digital hit? Because that has happened, and, yes, it does sound like the greatest job of all time.
A few years ago, Mr. Feng was pissed. No matter what he did, he couldn’t convince his son, Xiao, to stop playing online video games. Rather than giving up or kicking his son out into the cold, wifi-inaccessible streets, Feng decided to have his sons characters murdered.
Feng logged onto all of his son’s favorite games and hired stronger, higher-leveled players to hunt Xiao down and constantly kill his character. Every single time he’d get on, no matter the game, some maxed out death mage would immediately blow Xiao away, over and over, until Xiao logged off in frustration. Feng thought that if he could make games no longer fun, his son would give up and go get a real job.
We don’t know what game that is, but it needs to calm the hell down.
In what must have been the lamest sleuthing montage since Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London, Xiao eventually determined that he’d been targeted by his father all along and not a highly coordinated syndicate intent on keeping Xiao from becoming the most powerful warlock Azeroth had ever seen. Upon his discovery, Xiao reportedly went to his dad and said, “I can play or I can not play, it doesn’t bother me. I’m not looking for any job -- I want to take some time to find one that suits me.”
Strangely, that was enough for Mr. Feng, who said he was “relieved” to know ... what, exactly? That his son could come up with an incredibly mediocre excuse when given time to prepare? No article mentions whether Mr. Feng called off the attacks or if Xiao got a job, but either way, we’re probably going to call Feng just in case he needs more help fake killing his son ... or really anybody.
Walk Behind A Car To Hide Someone's License Plate
In the opinion of most respected air pollution scientists, Tehrans air be nasty. The air is so awful, that schools are frequently shut down, and smog is believed to be responsible for hundreds of civilian deaths. To combat the ever expanding cloud of death descending upon their city, Tehran officials have implemented several restrictions on where vehicles can drive and when. Their logic is that the more cars they take off the streets, the more breathable the air.
These restrictions are enforced through the use of several traffic cameras throughout the city that can easily read license plates and fine vehicles that don’t belong. Of course, nobody anticipated just what lengths Tehran citizens would go to protect their right to pollute. Covering their plates with a tarp or something would be too noticeable, so they’ve come up with a more ingenious solution: Hiring some dude to run behind the car.
That’s literally it.
For a small price, people will just run behind a car, obscuring the license plate, and making it impossible for authorities to know if a car is driving against restrictions or not. Of course sometimes they’ll hire bikers to follow them so they can go greater distances, but it’s still just insane that it works at all.
We’d just duct-tape a whole human to our license plate.
From the authorities’ perspective, those drivers aren’t technically doing anything illegal, so it’s evidently not worth sending the police after them. And of course nobody can see the license plates, so they wouldn’t know where to send a fine or whom to charge.
We don’t know exactly what these human shields charge, but it’s clear that several Tehranis make it a full-time job. The best part? It only requires an Associate’s degree.
Electrocuting People On The Street
One way to spot a drunk is to look for anybody talking or singing too loudly. If that dude across the bar keeps walking up to strangers and challenging them to a fight or a rousing rendition of Imagine Dragon’s “Radioactive,” he’s almost definitely sloshed. If you’re in Mexico City, however, the best way to spot the inebriated is by looking for anybody electrocuting themselves.
For whatever reason, there’s an entire industry of what are known as “toques vendors.” These vendors wander the streets of major Mexican cities at night, asking people if they’d like to get electrocuted. Oh, and they expect you to pay for the privilege to do so. If somebody agrees, they’ll fork over usually about a dollar, and grab hold of two metal bars sticking out of the vendor’s portable box.
“For an extra dollar, I can punch you in the face.”
The goal of the game/torture experience is to hold onto the bars for as long as you can while the vendor slowly cranks up the voltage amount. It goes all the way up to 120 volts, although people are reportedly unable to let go after 80 volts. At that point it’s up to you to scream “STOP!” before you’re twisted into some off-brand DC super villain.
As to why anybody would do this, apparently it’s rooted in “machismo culture.” That is, the vendors try and convince people that they’re total wussies if they don’t want to be roasted alive, and offer them the chance to become real men for the small, small price of a dollar. It may not sound like the most financially rewarding job in the world, but the chance to electrocute drunken idiots sounds like it’s worth giving up health care for a little while.